Looking at the date of my last blog entry, I realize that it has been nearly a month since The Appalachian Witch last made an appearance. I would like to pretend it is because I've been relaxing in a nice spa somewhere or that I've been involved in deep meditation at a remote monastery, listening to the harmonious Gregorian chant of the resident monks, and now I'm back with a refreshed spirit, ready to face the challenges of everyday life with a calm but energetic demeanor.
The truth is, however, I'm barely keeping the men in the White Jackets at bay.
Okay, it's really not that bad. I've had some truly LAZY moments in between running around like a mad woman. Moscato and books have been my good friends. What types of books? They vary between mindless entertainment and historical research. Vampires...the Black Death...werewolves...medical history...the subjects don't necessarily go together, although now that I think about it, it MIGHT be rather entertaining.
Parenting Stuff from the Witch and the Czech Pecker: The only thing to add this evening is that they get WAAAAAAAY too excited when Granddaddy is coming to visit. He will be here tomorrow afternoon for several events happening this week--Grandparents' Day at St. Joseph's on Wednesday through J.P.'s birthday on Saturday--and they are bouncing off the walls this evening. I believe the Czech Pecker is about to lose either his Czech or his Pecker. I'm afraid to ask which.
To make up for the human kids' insanity, the Huskies are eerily silent this evening. I worry when they are this quiet. It makes me wonder what they are planning. I fully expect to find a hole to Siberia tomorrow morning to match the one they've already dug in their attempt to dig to Alaska.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
We Have Not Seen the Last of That Skeleton
The skeleton that was hiding out in Rebekah's locker? Antoine? Well, he's making himself quite at home around the Lazurek Funny Farm these days. You never know where that bony bozo will pop up. Right now, he is clad in a martial arts outfit, providing inspiration for a short story that Rebekah is writing for her Literature class in school. She is calling it, "The Haunted Karate Bus," and Antoine makes a cameo appearance at the end as the driver of the bus. She finished the rough draft of the story, and the final is due this Friday. I wonder if her teacher will think she is warped?
Parenting Stuff from the Witch and the Czech Pecker: Some things I find myself asking as a mother:
What is a package of googly eyes doing in this corner of the room?
Why is there a Pokemon figure on top of the mailbox?
Speaking of the mailbox, is there any reason WHY it was taken off the post and turned around backwards so that it opened toward the house instead of the road? (I'm sure our mail woman LOVED us for that one)
And whose handprint in purple paint is on the mailbox door?
How did silly string end up on the ceiling? (stupid question, that)
Who do you think you are, Bo and Luke Duke? And my truck is the General Lee?
Why does the dog/cat have blue/pink/green paint on him?
Is there any reason WHY there are several naked Barbies hanging from the tree in the front yard?
Why is there a stool, a drill, a pair of leopard print tights, a roll of paper towels, and a tube of toothpaste on the front walkway?
What made me think that I need to get knocked up to be a "fulfilled" woman, anyway? Was I temporarily insane? (this to the Czech Pecker, not to the spawns of Satan)
On a positive note, it's never boring around here, and the spawns have inherited my artistic abilities. J.P. and I spent the weekend painting together, and Rebekah and I are starting to have some intelligent conversations about history, books, and theology. I still have to ask myself the off-the-wall questions in between these idylls of peacefulness, though. The way I see it, when I'm old and gray, it will give me something to look back on and laugh about. And hey, if these two imps ever have little demons of their own, will I EVER have some stories to tell them about their parents!
Parenting Stuff from the Witch and the Czech Pecker: Some things I find myself asking as a mother:
What is a package of googly eyes doing in this corner of the room?
Why is there a Pokemon figure on top of the mailbox?
Speaking of the mailbox, is there any reason WHY it was taken off the post and turned around backwards so that it opened toward the house instead of the road? (I'm sure our mail woman LOVED us for that one)
And whose handprint in purple paint is on the mailbox door?
How did silly string end up on the ceiling? (stupid question, that)
Who do you think you are, Bo and Luke Duke? And my truck is the General Lee?
Why does the dog/cat have blue/pink/green paint on him?
Is there any reason WHY there are several naked Barbies hanging from the tree in the front yard?
Why is there a stool, a drill, a pair of leopard print tights, a roll of paper towels, and a tube of toothpaste on the front walkway?
What made me think that I need to get knocked up to be a "fulfilled" woman, anyway? Was I temporarily insane? (this to the Czech Pecker, not to the spawns of Satan)
On a positive note, it's never boring around here, and the spawns have inherited my artistic abilities. J.P. and I spent the weekend painting together, and Rebekah and I are starting to have some intelligent conversations about history, books, and theology. I still have to ask myself the off-the-wall questions in between these idylls of peacefulness, though. The way I see it, when I'm old and gray, it will give me something to look back on and laugh about. And hey, if these two imps ever have little demons of their own, will I EVER have some stories to tell them about their parents!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
My daughter has a skeleton in her closet!
Well, the skeleton is not in her closet. He was in her locker at school for a day. Now, she takes him around with her places. His name is Antoine, and he is her BFF.
Antoine came into Rebekah's life several days ago when she bought him for a skit that she and some other girls did for their History class at school. Evidently, Antoine's role was that of either a Neanderthal or Cro-Magnon who had died from a club wound to the back of the head, and they were archaeologists discovering him. He had been buried with jewelry and flowers. Rebekah informed me that their skit, especially Antoine's role, was a big hit. Incidentally, Rebekah came up with his name from a "Drake & Josh" episode.
After his starring role, Antoine has retired to the Lazurek Funny Farm where he dresses in pajamas at bedtime, and his favorite daytime wear is one of J.P.'s hoodies. A couple of evenings ago, I discovered Antoine on the sofa reading Rebekah's Ignatius Study Bible. The darling Czech Pecker made a comment about the jaw of an ass.
J.P. is now wanting to get a twin for Antoine. Who knows what might happen around here when the twin shows up?
Parenting Tip of the Day from the Witch and the Czech Pecker: When the kids want to drag out the skeletons in the closet, let them have a little fun with them!
Antoine came into Rebekah's life several days ago when she bought him for a skit that she and some other girls did for their History class at school. Evidently, Antoine's role was that of either a Neanderthal or Cro-Magnon who had died from a club wound to the back of the head, and they were archaeologists discovering him. He had been buried with jewelry and flowers. Rebekah informed me that their skit, especially Antoine's role, was a big hit. Incidentally, Rebekah came up with his name from a "Drake & Josh" episode.
After his starring role, Antoine has retired to the Lazurek Funny Farm where he dresses in pajamas at bedtime, and his favorite daytime wear is one of J.P.'s hoodies. A couple of evenings ago, I discovered Antoine on the sofa reading Rebekah's Ignatius Study Bible. The darling Czech Pecker made a comment about the jaw of an ass.
J.P. is now wanting to get a twin for Antoine. Who knows what might happen around here when the twin shows up?
Parenting Tip of the Day from the Witch and the Czech Pecker: When the kids want to drag out the skeletons in the closet, let them have a little fun with them!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Those Crazy Hurricanes
It looks like New Orleans and the Gulf coast didn't get slammed quite as bad as feared by Gustav, and that is a good thing, although a lot of people are returning to the area without power. Still, it could have been so much worse. Now, we're looking at our own coastline here in the Carolinas at Hanna. We're all laughing here because my niece's name is Hannah, and she is QUITE the character! It is appropriate that a tropical storm/hurricane is named after her.
And speaking of hurricanes in Charleston, it takes me back to good ol' Hugo back in 1989. That is when the darling Czech Pecker and I started our love story. *snort* I can't say that with a straight face. We were students at the College of Charleston and got kicked out of the dorms when they saw this big-ass hurricane heading straight for us. About a week after the hurricane, we returned to campus to resume the semester, complete with a curfew starting at dusk--we could go to the library, but anything else out in the city was taboo, and quite frankly, with all those National Guard guys with their big guns trained on anything that moved, I was more than willing to stay put.
So, there we were, my friend and roommate at the time, Annette, walking across campus, trying not to trip over fallen tree limbs laden with Spanish moss, and I was musing on the idea that it might be good thing to become a nun. About that time, we saw somebody we knew across the street heading to his dorm room--the darling Czech Pecker! Except I didn't call him that back then. We weren't even dating yet. I immediately dropped the idea of becoming a nun, and we called out. We walked with him to his room, where he tried in vain to open his door that had become stuck due to humidity swelling the wood. It took him a good 15 minutes or more of shoving, and I stood there not helping at all, snorting with laughter.
It is now 19 years later, we've been married over 17 years of that, and not much has changed in some respects. I still have some moments when I think becoming a nun might have been a good idea, after all, but then I realize I wasn't really cut out for it. And I still stand back and laugh when he tries to do things in vain instead of being useful. I'm really good at that.
Parenting Tip of the Day from the Witch and the Czech Pecker: There comes a time in the parenthood of every mom and dad when those little darling spawns of Satan drive you crazier than a shit house rat. Don't deny it. You know it's true. And if you're really honest with yourself, you will admit that you might have thought about selling those precious treasures to the first band of traveling gypsies that come through your neighborhood. Since we rarely see such bands in the United States in this day and age, it can provide a dilemma for the exasperated parent.
I have thought of trying to find somebody who might be willing to barter with me. I am especially interested in trading for Siberian Huskies. Oh sure, they can be like children, too, and certainly get into their share of mischief. You should see my back yard presently due to the antics of my pack. It looks like a war zone. However, my Huskies never complain, they appreciate everything that I give them, and I don't have to pay tuition for them.
Any takers?
And speaking of hurricanes in Charleston, it takes me back to good ol' Hugo back in 1989. That is when the darling Czech Pecker and I started our love story. *snort* I can't say that with a straight face. We were students at the College of Charleston and got kicked out of the dorms when they saw this big-ass hurricane heading straight for us. About a week after the hurricane, we returned to campus to resume the semester, complete with a curfew starting at dusk--we could go to the library, but anything else out in the city was taboo, and quite frankly, with all those National Guard guys with their big guns trained on anything that moved, I was more than willing to stay put.
So, there we were, my friend and roommate at the time, Annette, walking across campus, trying not to trip over fallen tree limbs laden with Spanish moss, and I was musing on the idea that it might be good thing to become a nun. About that time, we saw somebody we knew across the street heading to his dorm room--the darling Czech Pecker! Except I didn't call him that back then. We weren't even dating yet. I immediately dropped the idea of becoming a nun, and we called out. We walked with him to his room, where he tried in vain to open his door that had become stuck due to humidity swelling the wood. It took him a good 15 minutes or more of shoving, and I stood there not helping at all, snorting with laughter.
It is now 19 years later, we've been married over 17 years of that, and not much has changed in some respects. I still have some moments when I think becoming a nun might have been a good idea, after all, but then I realize I wasn't really cut out for it. And I still stand back and laugh when he tries to do things in vain instead of being useful. I'm really good at that.
Parenting Tip of the Day from the Witch and the Czech Pecker: There comes a time in the parenthood of every mom and dad when those little darling spawns of Satan drive you crazier than a shit house rat. Don't deny it. You know it's true. And if you're really honest with yourself, you will admit that you might have thought about selling those precious treasures to the first band of traveling gypsies that come through your neighborhood. Since we rarely see such bands in the United States in this day and age, it can provide a dilemma for the exasperated parent.
I have thought of trying to find somebody who might be willing to barter with me. I am especially interested in trading for Siberian Huskies. Oh sure, they can be like children, too, and certainly get into their share of mischief. You should see my back yard presently due to the antics of my pack. It looks like a war zone. However, my Huskies never complain, they appreciate everything that I give them, and I don't have to pay tuition for them.
Any takers?
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Gustav, Hanna, tropical weather, oh my!
I'm sitting here right now, as I'm sure much of the country is, watching the weather reports to see exactly where Hurricane Gustav is going to land tomorrow. New Orleans is evacuating as I write this, obviously loathe to repeat the tragedy of Katrina three years ago, and I am saying my prayers for the people on the Gulf coast, including sending up extra prayers for my friends, the Graebers, who live in Baton Rouge.
And out there in Atlantic, another tropical storm, Hanna, is churning away, and right now, they say it's possible that some of the winds from Gustav could come back and add strength to it. It's projected path, as of right now, is anywhere from the Florida east coast on up to Georgia or the Carolinas.
And there are people who say that global warming is not a problem?
In other news, closer to home, we're starting to settle into a routine with school. Well, as much of a routine as it's possible for us, the Lazurek Funny Farm, epitome of Unconventional Behavior, who put the "fun" in dysfunctional! J.P. jumped right into 3rd grade with no problem and has a new best buddy who is new to the school this year. The two of them are inseparable. Rebekah had to adjust to the changing of classes and the bell schedule in middle school, but that took all of about two days. I'm seeing a marked change in her when I pick her up in the afternoons. She talks about what is happening in school, what this teacher said and that teacher did that day, and the biggest miracle of all...she doesn't resist doing her homework quite as vigorously as she did last year! So far, she is showing an increased excitement about learning, and to a Super Nerd like me, that is the best thing I could hope for! She's also making new friends, and that is also something that I had been hoping that she would do right away.
Parenting Tip of the Day from the Witch and the Czech Pecker: We've talked about the many areas where the boundaries are fluid with us; however, there ARE some areas where we remain firm, and the boundaries we set are akin to a brick wall.
An example would be clothing. My commandment, regarding how my female spawn of Satan dresses, is, "Thou Shalt Not Dress Like a Hoochie Mama." Seriously. Some of the styles that are out there for girls her age are unbelievable. Now, I would certainly never want her to dress like a member of that Texas polygamy sect, either. That's just messed up. However, I once went to the mall and saw a couple of girls who couldn't have been older than 13 or 14 who had on more revealing clothing than the prostitutes that I saw on Bourbon Street the previous week. I sat there in the food court with my kids and thought to myself, "those mothers need to be slapped for letting them out of the house like that." Of course, it's always possible that the kids somehow snuck around the parental units in some way. Kids can be sneaky little jerks. Somebody had to drive them to the mall in the first place, though.
Another example is cutting school. Like most kids, there are times when they, "just don't FEEEEEEEL like going." Maybe they stayed up too late the previous evening watching something on television. Or they're feeling nervous about a test. Or they're just being plain lazy. Um, no. They are allowed so many absences per year, and they need those in case something comes up, such as...oh, I don't know...they really get sick and have to miss several days, maybe? Sorry. Laziness doesn't count as an illness. Goofing off doesn't count as an excused absence. Sorry, little spawns of Satan. Your mama is tough on this one.
There are other areas, but I threw in those examples to show that, while we are quite unconventional and seem to allow our kids a lot of freedoms in many areas, we still have our areas where we stand firm and say, "um, no, absolutely, positively no." Hey, we have to give them SOMETHING to hate us over from time to time, don't we?
And out there in Atlantic, another tropical storm, Hanna, is churning away, and right now, they say it's possible that some of the winds from Gustav could come back and add strength to it. It's projected path, as of right now, is anywhere from the Florida east coast on up to Georgia or the Carolinas.
And there are people who say that global warming is not a problem?
In other news, closer to home, we're starting to settle into a routine with school. Well, as much of a routine as it's possible for us, the Lazurek Funny Farm, epitome of Unconventional Behavior, who put the "fun" in dysfunctional! J.P. jumped right into 3rd grade with no problem and has a new best buddy who is new to the school this year. The two of them are inseparable. Rebekah had to adjust to the changing of classes and the bell schedule in middle school, but that took all of about two days. I'm seeing a marked change in her when I pick her up in the afternoons. She talks about what is happening in school, what this teacher said and that teacher did that day, and the biggest miracle of all...she doesn't resist doing her homework quite as vigorously as she did last year! So far, she is showing an increased excitement about learning, and to a Super Nerd like me, that is the best thing I could hope for! She's also making new friends, and that is also something that I had been hoping that she would do right away.
Parenting Tip of the Day from the Witch and the Czech Pecker: We've talked about the many areas where the boundaries are fluid with us; however, there ARE some areas where we remain firm, and the boundaries we set are akin to a brick wall.
An example would be clothing. My commandment, regarding how my female spawn of Satan dresses, is, "Thou Shalt Not Dress Like a Hoochie Mama." Seriously. Some of the styles that are out there for girls her age are unbelievable. Now, I would certainly never want her to dress like a member of that Texas polygamy sect, either. That's just messed up. However, I once went to the mall and saw a couple of girls who couldn't have been older than 13 or 14 who had on more revealing clothing than the prostitutes that I saw on Bourbon Street the previous week. I sat there in the food court with my kids and thought to myself, "those mothers need to be slapped for letting them out of the house like that." Of course, it's always possible that the kids somehow snuck around the parental units in some way. Kids can be sneaky little jerks. Somebody had to drive them to the mall in the first place, though.
Another example is cutting school. Like most kids, there are times when they, "just don't FEEEEEEEL like going." Maybe they stayed up too late the previous evening watching something on television. Or they're feeling nervous about a test. Or they're just being plain lazy. Um, no. They are allowed so many absences per year, and they need those in case something comes up, such as...oh, I don't know...they really get sick and have to miss several days, maybe? Sorry. Laziness doesn't count as an illness. Goofing off doesn't count as an excused absence. Sorry, little spawns of Satan. Your mama is tough on this one.
There are other areas, but I threw in those examples to show that, while we are quite unconventional and seem to allow our kids a lot of freedoms in many areas, we still have our areas where we stand firm and say, "um, no, absolutely, positively no." Hey, we have to give them SOMETHING to hate us over from time to time, don't we?
Friday, August 22, 2008
The Witch Has Returned
And school is in session! And there was much rejoicing. Yay!
When last the Witch left you, we were discussing the lady with the cloned puppies. What a loony. A couple of days later, the spawns of Satan left for Charleston with my mom, grandmother, sister, and niece. They spent a few days with them, then I drove down in my B.A.T. mobile. The kids and I then spent time with the darling Czech Pecker's dad who lives there. We browsed the Market, did a little shopping, and visited the Aquarium. On that Friday, the darling Czech Pecker himself joined us after work for the rest of the weekend.
THEN, it was back home to get ready for school. J.P. started on Monday, and he's already made some new friends. He also said that the priest talked to them about training to become altar boys, something he very much wants to do. I told him he might want to start watching his language. We'll see if it works.
Rebekah started her middle school career on Wednesday at a new school, St. Joseph's. The new routine is a bit overwhelming for her and will take some adjusting, but she is excited about her classes and her teachers. I think she will do well.
Parenting Tip of the Day from the Witch and the Czech: Homework...yes, you have to do it, and not at 10:00 at night. End of story. Yes, I will help and give you guidance. No, I won't do it FOR you. You don't learn a blasted thing that way. Yes, I do expect you to do your best work possible. No, I don't expect straight A's. Don't kill yourself and try to be such a perfectionist that you make yourself ill. Don't be a slackass, either. There IS a happy medium. Trust me. It's all a learning process, and learning can be fun. I'm nearly 40, and I'm still learning and having fun doing so.
When last the Witch left you, we were discussing the lady with the cloned puppies. What a loony. A couple of days later, the spawns of Satan left for Charleston with my mom, grandmother, sister, and niece. They spent a few days with them, then I drove down in my B.A.T. mobile. The kids and I then spent time with the darling Czech Pecker's dad who lives there. We browsed the Market, did a little shopping, and visited the Aquarium. On that Friday, the darling Czech Pecker himself joined us after work for the rest of the weekend.
THEN, it was back home to get ready for school. J.P. started on Monday, and he's already made some new friends. He also said that the priest talked to them about training to become altar boys, something he very much wants to do. I told him he might want to start watching his language. We'll see if it works.
Rebekah started her middle school career on Wednesday at a new school, St. Joseph's. The new routine is a bit overwhelming for her and will take some adjusting, but she is excited about her classes and her teachers. I think she will do well.
Parenting Tip of the Day from the Witch and the Czech: Homework...yes, you have to do it, and not at 10:00 at night. End of story. Yes, I will help and give you guidance. No, I won't do it FOR you. You don't learn a blasted thing that way. Yes, I do expect you to do your best work possible. No, I don't expect straight A's. Don't kill yourself and try to be such a perfectionist that you make yourself ill. Don't be a slackass, either. There IS a happy medium. Trust me. It's all a learning process, and learning can be fun. I'm nearly 40, and I'm still learning and having fun doing so.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
The Saga of the Dog Cloning Woman Continues...
They say that fact is often stranger than fiction, and this certainly is a story where that is the case. The cloned puppies don't even figure into it, unless you consider the fact that somebody who would clone Booger must be a little off in the head. Incidentally, my favorite line in that article is the last one, '"She's ugly as sin now," he said. "But, sure enough, that's her."'
Okay, speaking of dogs, there is a program on television about pet-friendly cities, and they are talking about New York City now. The darling Czech Pecker said, "I guess you were right when you said that New York was dog friendly!" Well, OF COURSE, I was right. I possess mad observation skills, and I always notice dogs and their people everywhere I go. New York impressed me.
Today's Parenting Tips from the Witch and the Darling Czech Pecker: I want to add a clarification to something I wrote a few days ago about the language thing. There ARE limits to what the darling Czech Pecker and I will allow. For example, there is a difference between a mere curse word and a word with derogatory meaning toward one's ethnic, racial, sexual, etc. background. If they want to call each other dumbass, then fine, but we don't want to hear words that have a deeper mean meaning, like "retarded" or "fag." So, yes, our boundaries with them are fluid, as I mentioned earlier, but boundaries we do have, and at times, the spawns of Satan will bounce up against them. The darling Czech Pecker and I may be rather unconventional and somewhat liberal in our child-rearing practices compared to some other parents, but we do have our limits, too, and we stand firm when the spawns try to test those limits. And then we hit the liquor cabinet for fortification afterward!
Okay, speaking of dogs, there is a program on television about pet-friendly cities, and they are talking about New York City now. The darling Czech Pecker said, "I guess you were right when you said that New York was dog friendly!" Well, OF COURSE, I was right. I possess mad observation skills, and I always notice dogs and their people everywhere I go. New York impressed me.
Today's Parenting Tips from the Witch and the Darling Czech Pecker: I want to add a clarification to something I wrote a few days ago about the language thing. There ARE limits to what the darling Czech Pecker and I will allow. For example, there is a difference between a mere curse word and a word with derogatory meaning toward one's ethnic, racial, sexual, etc. background. If they want to call each other dumbass, then fine, but we don't want to hear words that have a deeper mean meaning, like "retarded" or "fag." So, yes, our boundaries with them are fluid, as I mentioned earlier, but boundaries we do have, and at times, the spawns of Satan will bounce up against them. The darling Czech Pecker and I may be rather unconventional and somewhat liberal in our child-rearing practices compared to some other parents, but we do have our limits, too, and we stand firm when the spawns try to test those limits. And then we hit the liquor cabinet for fortification afterward!
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