Is There Anything Worse Than Love Songs?

Yes. Yes, there is. Try COUNTRY LOVE SONGS. I am shuddering in fear and loathing even as I type those dreaded words, but yes, my dear friends, such a CD collection actually exists. I know. I keep looking out for the four horses of the Apocalypse ever since I saw it in Target a few days ago, where I was looking for some little flying helicopter thingies in the toy section with the darling Czech Pecker and my male spawn of Satan. I happened to stroll past the music section and saw this frightening music collection sitting there, bold as you please, on an end rack. I nearly fainted dead away in horror, and let me tell you, I am generally not of a delicate constitution, but my heart nearly gave out.

After I got over my initial terror, I have to admit that I started to giggle and snort to myself, and I had to pick up a copy and show it to the darling Czech Pecker (by this time, I was chortling at the absolute hilarity of it).

One thing you have to understand about the darling Czech Pecker and me...we are most definitely NOT the romantic types. No way, no how. Syrupy love songs make both of us alternately barf and laugh at the ridiculously unrealistic lyrics. We both giggled our way through our wedding...if there were any tears in either of our eyes, it was due to laughter. And I may be a woman--yeah, I swear it, I checked--but I really think Chick Flicks and Chick Lit are inane. Give me a good comedy--NOT a romantic comedy, please--or a good Sci Fi film. Give me REAL literature, preferably British, although I sometimes love some good Southern Gothic a la Flannery O' Connor or William Faulkner.

Needless to say, "Stand By Your Man" kind of stuff just doesn't figure into our way of communicating.

I do regret showing the collection to the darling Czech Pecker right there, though. It would have been quite amusing to have bought it and wrapped it up for Valentine's Day for a gag gift!

Does Anybody Have a Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch?

I really need one, you see. Not to repel a Killer Rabbit with long, pointy teeth. Billy Bob, our resident rabbit, is quite a benign bunny, and as far as I'm aware, he hasn't killed anyone recently, including any Knights of the Round Table.

No, I need a Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch for my house. This place is hopeless. I clean one thing. Three things get messed up. I fold one load of laundry. The dogs muddy up an entire room. I mop that room. The kids decide to "rearrange" a few things. I try to set things back in order. The kitchen becomes messed up. I clean the kitchen. The kitty litter box needs to be cleaned. I clean the litter box. The dogs start howling for attention. Let's not EVEN start discussing the state of our "landscaping" due to those crazy half-wolves! I'll forgive them, though. It's the humans of the Funny Farm who need a Come to Jesus talk!

I've given a deadline. Certain things will be cleaned up, certain items will be put away in places where we won't risk life and limb every time we walk through the living room and kitchen by tripping over them, or they will disappear from this house, never to be heard from again.

The Appalachian Witch has spoken.

The Witch Is On Her Way to Recovery

I saw the chiropractor yesterday. While I can tell a difference--I'm not in excruciating pain today like I was earlier this week--these things take a little time, especially when one reaches a certain age. I return tomorrow to the chiropractor. Hopefully, I will be pain-free, or nearly so, in the near future. It will certainly make for a happier Appalachian Witch. I believe the Czech Pecker is referring to me as something that rhymes with witch right now. Note that I do not call him "the darling Czech Pecker" this evening. That's because I have one nerve left, and he's getting on it.

For this evening, I believe I will continue my evening routine of heating pads and better living through chemistry, i.e. muscle relaxers. It's worked so far each night this week!

The Witch Needs a Chiropractor!

For at least two months, I've had a pinched nerve or something along the upper part of my spine, and it's been irritating the bejeezus out of me. Of course, I have been doing the natural thing for me...I've ignored it, believing that it will work itself out. However, after several sleepless nights, and a periodic numbness running up and down my left arm, it has come to my attention that I can no longer ignore it. Yeah, sometimes I have to be slapped upside the head with a clue-by-four. Sooooooo, I guess I will be off to see Mister Chiropractor soon! Yippeee!

The sleepless nights...yuck...that's the worst. Now, I am hardly a beauty when I am in top form, but you throw in lack of sleep, complete with the dark circles under the eyes, and I'm ready to scare the gargoyles of Notre Dame Cathedral. Seriously. Today, I think I even made the Bride of Frankenstein look like Miss America in comparison. I may even have caused a crack or two in the mirrors I glanced in as I crept through the day.

And a tired Appalachian Witch is a grouchy, irritable Appalachian Witch. My evil eye has been getting a workout, and I have given my Turkish evil eye amulet to the darling Czech Pecker to protect him from my curses. So far, he is safe, but I can't say the same thing for the Shih Tzu, but hey...does the canine moron REALLY have to sit practically on top of me while he licks his butt?!

I'm looking on the bright side, though. I'm keeping the pharmaceutical industry afloat with the ibuprofen I've been taking, and that's a positive thought, right?

Happy New Year!

Yes, the Witch is still lurking around these parts. She hasn't quite melted...I feel happy!

The truth is, I was given the fantastic opportunity to return to the workforce in late October, and I am now actually making myself useful at Catholic Charities. It has taken some time to adapt to a work schedule while still chasing after my Spawns of Satan, i.e. the human children, and the Howling Huskies, Neurotic Shih Tzus, Feline Fuzzies, and now, Billy Bob and Roxie. Billy Bob and Roxie are, respectively, a bunny and a guinea pig. And some people wonder exactly WHY I call this place the Funny Farm.

My abridged version of the holidays...we survived! And there was much rejoicing. YAY! And now, the kids return to school tomorrow, and they are moaning piteously about it. Do I feel sorry for them? Not one bit. My shriveled little black heart is snickering. So much for me being a loving, nurturing mother who sympathizes with her children's woes and travails. I didn't receive the Mother of the Year Award for 2008, and so far, 2009 is not looking all that auspicious, either!

Speaking of parenthood, I will return with The Witch's Parenting Tips soon!