The Witch Has Been Banned by Cracker Barrel!

Okay, I haven't really been banned from there, but the darling Czech Pecker says my photo will probably go up all over Cracker Barrels in the vicinity. Why, you ask? I refuse to deal with rude people.

After the darling Czech Pecker was given the OKAY by his surgeon on Friday to start back on solid food, he had a craving for Cracker Barrel. I asked if he was craving clogged arteries, too, but that's another story altogether. So, off we go, the entire Funny Farm, sans the furry inmates, but including the father-in-law. We walked in. It was a somewhat busy Friday evening, but I have certainly seen much worse. The hostess started to seat us at a table right at the entrance. Apparently, some other family had just been seated next to us, in the same area covered by a certain waitress.

It was that waitress who got on The Witch's bad side

Just as the nice hostess was seating us, the waitress turned on the hostess and very rudely said, "You are just going to have to wait to seat them!" The tone was rude, and I thought it was very uncalled for, for her to speak that way to the hostess in front of people. I turned my eyes over to her, gave a good "You did NOT just do that???" look, and I quietly but firmly told the darling Czech Pecker, "I will NOT stay here and deal with somebody so rude." And I walked away. I really didn't care if the family followed or not. I figured if they thought the woman's behavior was okay, they could stay and eat while I sat out front. As it turns out, the darling Czech Pecker followed me. I told him that, while I can certainly appreciate the feeling of being overwhelmed with work, it is not an excuse to treat somebody else in that manner. He decided that we would go to another Cracker Barrel a few miles down the road. And I asked him to apologize to the hostess. It was not her fault.

He did end up with his Cracker Barrel. At the next one, as we were walking in, some bluegrass music was playing. My Boy starting doing this...dance...that I cannot even explain. I need to record it and put it out on YouTube. It was so funny that I had tears in my eyes, and I really thought that I was going to hurt my ribs from laughing.

So, now you all know...if you see The Witch's photo in your local Cracker Barrel, let it be known that I don't take rudeness or moron behavior lightly!

The Witch is Falling Apart!

What the &%$@# happened to me when I hit 40?! The carpal tunnel has returned to my left hand with a vengeance...this is not fun.

However, on a good note, the darling Czech Pecker is improving a bit each day! He certainly looks a lot better than he did a month ago.

Unbelievably, it's time for school to start back for the male and female spawn! Tomorrow evening is open house at The Boy's school. I wonder how many people I'll manage to piss off this year?! Honestly, I do not actively set out to irritate anyone. It just sort of happens...

The Witch is Ready for the Funny Farm!

Okay, it is very possible to argue that I already live at the Funny Farm. Indeed, I am the CEO!

The darling Czech Pecker ended up back in the hospital last week...after a whole 2 days home...and he ended up needing surgery again last Saturday. He is most likely going to be in the hospital for another week to two weeks. NOT FUN...for any of us, but least of all for him. We are thinking of setting up a nice little vacation home at St. Francis. It could work, you know.

As for myself, the Appalachian Witch must go for a sleep study (dramatic musical interlude). It seems that I may have sleep apnea. Oh joy. I understand that they put all of this junk in your hair in order to attach electrodes to the scalp. The whole idea is to measure brain waves during sleep. I have news for them...I'm not entirely certain there is anything to measure! I'm thinking of shaving my head to avoid the need to wash my hair 100 times to get all of the junk out after the study...

The Witch is a Mother to a Teen-Ager!

Well, holy flying crap monkeys! When did THAT happen?! In all of the "excitement" around here with the darling Czech Pecker in the hospital and all, I completely forgot to write about the fact that my oldest spawn, Rebekah, turned 13 last Friday! Please note: I did not forget her birthday, and we did celebrate it...I just forgot to write about it.

Poor kid. We were supposed to go out of town to celebrate, but Plan A had to be discarded when her dad went into the hospital. Now, there is a way to celebrate one's thirteenth birthday..."Oh, I was at the hospital."

The rest of the family took her out to eat for lunch, and then she wanted to go see Eclipse. For her, it was the third time she's been to see it since it came out...the week before...

Wow. It seems like yesterday that the darling Czech Pecker and I went to the hospital, listening to the song "Hell" by Squirrel Nut Zipper. No, really...we did have that song playing! Then, a couple of days later, we brought her home...a little fluffy baby girl with a BIG mouth. Now, she's a little fluffy teen girl with a BIG mouth!

The Boy will be 11 in October. Help us. Please.

An Appalachian Witch Needs Her City Boy Warlock

Or in other words, the darling Czech Pecker has been suffering from flare-ups of Crohn's Disease, and it's taking him away from me for periods of time when he is either hospitalized or even when he's home but in bed sick. In bed...not bad in itself...but in bed sick is most definitely not a good thing!

It's one of those things where I cannot help but ask why the darling Czech Pecker, of all people, has to suffer from such a nasty disease. I mean, he's one of the good ones. To be honest, I think he's a much better person than I am. I'm a temperamental witch, after all!

The technical answer is that this is a genetic disease, much more common in people of Jewish ancestry than in non-Jewish. Hmmmm, the darling Czech Pecker may be a Roman Catholic, but I have a strong feeling that his ancestors hanging out in Eastern Europe may have been Jewish and decided that it was better to "lose [their] skullcap than [their] skull." (Okay, Mel Brooks...now I'm going to be singing "The Inquisition" all night!) Hmmmm....Should I start keeping a kosher household for my Czech?

With our family being...well, us,...we've found our amusing moments. For example...THE FLARP. What is Flarp, you may ask? Good question. Flarp comes in a little plastic container, and it has the consistency of play-doh. There is one BIG difference between the two, however. Flarp makes noise when you play with it and smash it back into the container. You can imagine, with a name like Flarp what that noise is. And it is loud. During the darling Czech Pecker's first hospitalization back in April, Thing 1 and Thing 2 carried containers of Flarp to the hospital to visit their dear dad. Let's just say that if anyone, nursing staff or otherwise, happened to be passing by the room during this time, they were probably feeling for the poor man in that room, and they were probably swearing NOT to enter the room, especially with a lighter in hand.

My children do make me laugh, when they aren't sending me screaming for the nearest psych ward.

In the meantime, this is one Appalachian Witch who would gladly take her big city man's place if she could.

The Witch is STILL Freakin' Anemic!

What is up, or maybe I should say down, with my stupid iron levels? An anemic witch is not a happy witch. And an unhappy witch leads to a chaotic Funny Farm...mainly because I have about a negative ten energy level by the end of the day to deal with housework and all of that mundane stuff. It's not a pretty sight, let me tell you.

Entering into the chaos of an iron deficient matriarch, last weekend swamped us with a lovely ice storm. By Monday morning, most of the bad weather was taking its leave of us. The kids had a 2-hour delay starting school, but I was thinking "Hey, we made it through this little storm unscathed...kept the power on, etc." Oh, but I thought too early. Let's just say that the darling Czech Pecker now has a new nickname, courtesy my good friend Sharon Conlon after she heard the following tale. First, the darling CP ran out of gas in his Explorer while he was warming it up. He took my truck to get gas for his vehicle and parked my truck at the bottom of the driveway when he returned. Forgetting he had parked it there, he backed his Explorer out, and WHAM! Yep. Right into my truck. Thus, his new nickname is now Crash. Thank you, Sharon! I do love calling him that now!

Later on Monday, a younger, female Crash took a slide on an icy patch on the road behind our house and crashed into our fence and that of our next door neighbor. She took out a section of each fence. Fortunately, nobody was hurt, and our dogs did not escape! I have laughed and said that it was as if there was a cosmic "Crash Here!" sign over our house that day.

In non-winter, non-crash, non-anemic news, I am working on collecting recipes and putting together a cookbook for a fundraiser for Catholic Charities. Who else sees the irony that I, Queen of Culinary Disasters and Kitchen Destruction, am working on putting together a cookbook?

The Witch Has Been Spayed

Yep. That's how the female spawn puts it. It was finally decided that there was no reason to keep my female internal organs, seeing as how they were rather defective, and hey! They had already done their job, right? Tomorrow will mark one week since I went under the knife, so I am spending Christmas with the family waiting on me hand and foot. Overall, that's really not a bad way to spend the holidays, when you really think about it. Feet up, stack of good books, and people doing what I say...it's good to be the queen!

And now for something completely different. Rebekah is officially half-way through middle school now. Yes, this concept does freak me out a bit. What freaks me out even more is the knowledge that she will be eligible for her driver's permit in 2 1/2 years. That should freak out anyone on the road.

J.P. is in need of a haircut. He is currently going for the Cousin Itt look, and I'm not sure it's a complimentary look.

And the Czech Pecker is...well, the Czech Pecker. I think he needs to drink some vodka. He might feel better! Poor guy needs to be an Anglo-Cherokee like I am, but since I can't genetically re-do him...