Okay, it is very possible to argue that I already live at the Funny Farm. Indeed, I am the CEO!
The darling Czech Pecker ended up back in the hospital last week...after a whole 2 days home...and he ended up needing surgery again last Saturday. He is most likely going to be in the hospital for another week to two weeks. NOT FUN...for any of us, but least of all for him. We are thinking of setting up a nice little vacation home at St. Francis. It could work, you know.
As for myself, the Appalachian Witch must go for a sleep study (dramatic musical interlude). It seems that I may have sleep apnea. Oh joy. I understand that they put all of this junk in your hair in order to attach electrodes to the scalp. The whole idea is to measure brain waves during sleep. I have news for them...I'm not entirely certain there is anything to measure! I'm thinking of shaving my head to avoid the need to wash my hair 100 times to get all of the junk out after the study...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The Witch is a Mother to a Teen-Ager!
Well, holy flying crap monkeys! When did THAT happen?! In all of the "excitement" around here with the darling Czech Pecker in the hospital and all, I completely forgot to write about the fact that my oldest spawn, Rebekah, turned 13 last Friday! Please note: I did not forget her birthday, and we did celebrate it...I just forgot to write about it.
Poor kid. We were supposed to go out of town to celebrate, but Plan A had to be discarded when her dad went into the hospital. Now, there is a way to celebrate one's thirteenth birthday..."Oh, I was at the hospital."
The rest of the family took her out to eat for lunch, and then she wanted to go see Eclipse. For her, it was the third time she's been to see it since it came out...the week before...
Wow. It seems like yesterday that the darling Czech Pecker and I went to the hospital, listening to the song "Hell" by Squirrel Nut Zipper. No, really...we did have that song playing! Then, a couple of days later, we brought her home...a little fluffy baby girl with a BIG mouth. Now, she's a little fluffy teen girl with a BIG mouth!
The Boy will be 11 in October. Help us. Please.
Poor kid. We were supposed to go out of town to celebrate, but Plan A had to be discarded when her dad went into the hospital. Now, there is a way to celebrate one's thirteenth birthday..."Oh, I was at the hospital."
The rest of the family took her out to eat for lunch, and then she wanted to go see Eclipse. For her, it was the third time she's been to see it since it came out...the week before...
Wow. It seems like yesterday that the darling Czech Pecker and I went to the hospital, listening to the song "Hell" by Squirrel Nut Zipper. No, really...we did have that song playing! Then, a couple of days later, we brought her home...a little fluffy baby girl with a BIG mouth. Now, she's a little fluffy teen girl with a BIG mouth!
The Boy will be 11 in October. Help us. Please.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
An Appalachian Witch Needs Her City Boy Warlock
Or in other words, the darling Czech Pecker has been suffering from flare-ups of Crohn's Disease, and it's taking him away from me for periods of time when he is either hospitalized or even when he's home but in bed sick. In bed...not bad in itself...but in bed sick is most definitely not a good thing!
It's one of those things where I cannot help but ask why the darling Czech Pecker, of all people, has to suffer from such a nasty disease. I mean, he's one of the good ones. To be honest, I think he's a much better person than I am. I'm a temperamental witch, after all!
The technical answer is that this is a genetic disease, much more common in people of Jewish ancestry than in non-Jewish. Hmmmm, the darling Czech Pecker may be a Roman Catholic, but I have a strong feeling that his ancestors hanging out in Eastern Europe may have been Jewish and decided that it was better to "lose [their] skullcap than [their] skull." (Okay, Mel Brooks...now I'm going to be singing "The Inquisition" all night!) Hmmmm....Should I start keeping a kosher household for my Czech?
With our family being...well, us,...we've found our amusing moments. For example...THE FLARP. What is Flarp, you may ask? Good question. Flarp comes in a little plastic container, and it has the consistency of play-doh. There is one BIG difference between the two, however. Flarp makes noise when you play with it and smash it back into the container. You can imagine, with a name like Flarp what that noise is. And it is loud. During the darling Czech Pecker's first hospitalization back in April, Thing 1 and Thing 2 carried containers of Flarp to the hospital to visit their dear dad. Let's just say that if anyone, nursing staff or otherwise, happened to be passing by the room during this time, they were probably feeling for the poor man in that room, and they were probably swearing NOT to enter the room, especially with a lighter in hand.
My children do make me laugh, when they aren't sending me screaming for the nearest psych ward.
In the meantime, this is one Appalachian Witch who would gladly take her big city man's place if she could.
It's one of those things where I cannot help but ask why the darling Czech Pecker, of all people, has to suffer from such a nasty disease. I mean, he's one of the good ones. To be honest, I think he's a much better person than I am. I'm a temperamental witch, after all!
The technical answer is that this is a genetic disease, much more common in people of Jewish ancestry than in non-Jewish. Hmmmm, the darling Czech Pecker may be a Roman Catholic, but I have a strong feeling that his ancestors hanging out in Eastern Europe may have been Jewish and decided that it was better to "lose [their] skullcap than [their] skull." (Okay, Mel Brooks...now I'm going to be singing "The Inquisition" all night!) Hmmmm....Should I start keeping a kosher household for my Czech?
With our family being...well, us,...we've found our amusing moments. For example...THE FLARP. What is Flarp, you may ask? Good question. Flarp comes in a little plastic container, and it has the consistency of play-doh. There is one BIG difference between the two, however. Flarp makes noise when you play with it and smash it back into the container. You can imagine, with a name like Flarp what that noise is. And it is loud. During the darling Czech Pecker's first hospitalization back in April, Thing 1 and Thing 2 carried containers of Flarp to the hospital to visit their dear dad. Let's just say that if anyone, nursing staff or otherwise, happened to be passing by the room during this time, they were probably feeling for the poor man in that room, and they were probably swearing NOT to enter the room, especially with a lighter in hand.
My children do make me laugh, when they aren't sending me screaming for the nearest psych ward.
In the meantime, this is one Appalachian Witch who would gladly take her big city man's place if she could.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
The Witch is STILL Freakin' Anemic!
What is up, or maybe I should say down, with my stupid iron levels? An anemic witch is not a happy witch. And an unhappy witch leads to a chaotic Funny Farm...mainly because I have about a negative ten energy level by the end of the day to deal with housework and all of that mundane stuff. It's not a pretty sight, let me tell you.
Entering into the chaos of an iron deficient matriarch, last weekend swamped us with a lovely ice storm. By Monday morning, most of the bad weather was taking its leave of us. The kids had a 2-hour delay starting school, but I was thinking "Hey, we made it through this little storm unscathed...kept the power on, etc." Oh, but I thought too early. Let's just say that the darling Czech Pecker now has a new nickname, courtesy my good friend Sharon Conlon after she heard the following tale. First, the darling CP ran out of gas in his Explorer while he was warming it up. He took my truck to get gas for his vehicle and parked my truck at the bottom of the driveway when he returned. Forgetting he had parked it there, he backed his Explorer out, and WHAM! Yep. Right into my truck. Thus, his new nickname is now Crash. Thank you, Sharon! I do love calling him that now!
Later on Monday, a younger, female Crash took a slide on an icy patch on the road behind our house and crashed into our fence and that of our next door neighbor. She took out a section of each fence. Fortunately, nobody was hurt, and our dogs did not escape! I have laughed and said that it was as if there was a cosmic "Crash Here!" sign over our house that day.
In non-winter, non-crash, non-anemic news, I am working on collecting recipes and putting together a cookbook for a fundraiser for Catholic Charities. Who else sees the irony that I, Queen of Culinary Disasters and Kitchen Destruction, am working on putting together a cookbook?
Entering into the chaos of an iron deficient matriarch, last weekend swamped us with a lovely ice storm. By Monday morning, most of the bad weather was taking its leave of us. The kids had a 2-hour delay starting school, but I was thinking "Hey, we made it through this little storm unscathed...kept the power on, etc." Oh, but I thought too early. Let's just say that the darling Czech Pecker now has a new nickname, courtesy my good friend Sharon Conlon after she heard the following tale. First, the darling CP ran out of gas in his Explorer while he was warming it up. He took my truck to get gas for his vehicle and parked my truck at the bottom of the driveway when he returned. Forgetting he had parked it there, he backed his Explorer out, and WHAM! Yep. Right into my truck. Thus, his new nickname is now Crash. Thank you, Sharon! I do love calling him that now!
Later on Monday, a younger, female Crash took a slide on an icy patch on the road behind our house and crashed into our fence and that of our next door neighbor. She took out a section of each fence. Fortunately, nobody was hurt, and our dogs did not escape! I have laughed and said that it was as if there was a cosmic "Crash Here!" sign over our house that day.
In non-winter, non-crash, non-anemic news, I am working on collecting recipes and putting together a cookbook for a fundraiser for Catholic Charities. Who else sees the irony that I, Queen of Culinary Disasters and Kitchen Destruction, am working on putting together a cookbook?
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The Witch Has Been Spayed
Yep. That's how the female spawn puts it. It was finally decided that there was no reason to keep my female internal organs, seeing as how they were rather defective, and hey! They had already done their job, right? Tomorrow will mark one week since I went under the knife, so I am spending Christmas with the family waiting on me hand and foot. Overall, that's really not a bad way to spend the holidays, when you really think about it. Feet up, stack of good books, and people doing what I say...it's good to be the queen!
And now for something completely different. Rebekah is officially half-way through middle school now. Yes, this concept does freak me out a bit. What freaks me out even more is the knowledge that she will be eligible for her driver's permit in 2 1/2 years. That should freak out anyone on the road.
J.P. is in need of a haircut. He is currently going for the Cousin Itt look, and I'm not sure it's a complimentary look.
And the Czech Pecker is...well, the Czech Pecker. I think he needs to drink some vodka. He might feel better! Poor guy needs to be an Anglo-Cherokee like I am, but since I can't genetically re-do him...
And now for something completely different. Rebekah is officially half-way through middle school now. Yes, this concept does freak me out a bit. What freaks me out even more is the knowledge that she will be eligible for her driver's permit in 2 1/2 years. That should freak out anyone on the road.
J.P. is in need of a haircut. He is currently going for the Cousin Itt look, and I'm not sure it's a complimentary look.
And the Czech Pecker is...well, the Czech Pecker. I think he needs to drink some vodka. He might feel better! Poor guy needs to be an Anglo-Cherokee like I am, but since I can't genetically re-do him...
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Witch is Feeling a Little Less...Witchy
Okay, true to my sad blog form here, I'm blogging again after a hiatus of a few years or months or something. You see, people seem to think that I should be doing other things when I come home in the evenings, like acting as their chauffeur/maid/lifetime indentured servant/slave. Let me tell you, it doesn't leave a heck of a lot of time for me to write/paint/breathe.
The upside is that the dogs and cats still love me, whether I collapse on my sofa like a curly-haired slug at the end of the day with glass of Tempranillo in one hand and Douglas Adams in the other -- I'm telling you, the older I get, the more convinced I am that Deep Thought was really onto something with the whole Answer to the Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything equals 42 thing -- or whether I decide to recite Chaucer in Middle English -- just for the whole amusement of it, mind you -- while standing on top of one of the dog houses with the Huskies. Yes, the verdict IS still out whether I am suffering from brain damage due to falling off the bed when I was a baby or whether it's simply the eccentricities of inbreeding that lead to my weirdness.
The upside is that the dogs and cats still love me, whether I collapse on my sofa like a curly-haired slug at the end of the day with glass of Tempranillo in one hand and Douglas Adams in the other -- I'm telling you, the older I get, the more convinced I am that Deep Thought was really onto something with the whole Answer to the Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything equals 42 thing -- or whether I decide to recite Chaucer in Middle English -- just for the whole amusement of it, mind you -- while standing on top of one of the dog houses with the Huskies. Yes, the verdict IS still out whether I am suffering from brain damage due to falling off the bed when I was a baby or whether it's simply the eccentricities of inbreeding that lead to my weirdness.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
And You Guys Thought the Witch Had Disappeared!
I'm baaaaaaccccckkkkkk!
A bout with iron-deficiency anemia has left this particular mountain witch feeling drained and looking like a reject from Interview with a Vampire. Let me tell you, the pale skin I inherited from my English ancestors has ever been the bane of my existence to begin with--why, oh why, couldn't I have been born with the pretty bronze color of my Cherokee heritage?--but add the sallow complexion that comes with anemia...IT AIN'T PRETTY! However, iron supplements have helped, even though they taste like I'm gnawing on nails.
And now, I want to give a big SHOUT OUT to my fellow Heffas! Annette, stop working so hard and go get a mani/pedi! Sunny, love ya, woman, and if the kids get to you, I have your back! Kathi, the reptile woman, I think you ought to write a book, a soap opera of Freya and Oden's love story! Amy, one of the strongest women I know, you and your husband and all military families are in my thoughts and prayers every day. Soli, I hope you get that teaching job on the rez...you are the perfect one for it! Amber, I love what you do for the kids in your district. You rock! Megan, you are my favorite tech geek of all time...I know exactly whom to ask if I ever need computer help. Monica, you are THE Americorps chick of the year! Jess, Photographer of The Weave, Protectress of Children, you rock, too! Cassie, I'm so glad you are a Heffa...you've come a long way the past year...love ya! Amanda, you crazy doctor's wife...go get some Chinese take-out, will ya? And give that adorable baby a hug! Tina, I am so glad you lost your filter...you crack me up, girl! Stephanie and "MissWeezer"...you guys aren't around as much, but I love it when you are...you both rock, too!
Okay, it's fabulous to have a group of girlfriends that a mountain witch can turn to, especially when one's offspring are acting like buttmunches, as mine have been the last several days. Oh yes, those ADORABLE offspring of the darling Czech Pecker. That's right...they're his kids right now. I think I'll let him have them for a while, and I'll float around the house in ignorant bliss. Kids? What kids? Do I have kids? No way!
Speaking of the little Czech monsters, I looked at the calendar today, and it hit me...it's the end of the school year already! Holy flying crapmonkeys! Where has the time gone? J.P.'s school sent a notice out that they are going to start a school band next school year for grades 3rd and up. Naturally, he is all over that. Not only does he want to continue playing drums for the Fife and Drum Corps, playing his electric guitar that he got for Christmas, now he wants to play the trumpet. Oh dear patron saint of mothers who suffer from headaches due to children who play music turned up to 11, please pray for me. I do believe that I will be keeping the pharmaceutical industry in business, most notably the company that produces Relpax, my migraine meds.
On that note, there is a cheesecake in the kitchen calling my name. I have been trying to resist it because I know that cheesecake, like most things that taste good, likes to stick to my butt, and yet, its siren call is luring me ever nearer to the refrigerator...
A bout with iron-deficiency anemia has left this particular mountain witch feeling drained and looking like a reject from Interview with a Vampire. Let me tell you, the pale skin I inherited from my English ancestors has ever been the bane of my existence to begin with--why, oh why, couldn't I have been born with the pretty bronze color of my Cherokee heritage?--but add the sallow complexion that comes with anemia...IT AIN'T PRETTY! However, iron supplements have helped, even though they taste like I'm gnawing on nails.
And now, I want to give a big SHOUT OUT to my fellow Heffas! Annette, stop working so hard and go get a mani/pedi! Sunny, love ya, woman, and if the kids get to you, I have your back! Kathi, the reptile woman, I think you ought to write a book, a soap opera of Freya and Oden's love story! Amy, one of the strongest women I know, you and your husband and all military families are in my thoughts and prayers every day. Soli, I hope you get that teaching job on the rez...you are the perfect one for it! Amber, I love what you do for the kids in your district. You rock! Megan, you are my favorite tech geek of all time...I know exactly whom to ask if I ever need computer help. Monica, you are THE Americorps chick of the year! Jess, Photographer of The Weave, Protectress of Children, you rock, too! Cassie, I'm so glad you are a Heffa...you've come a long way the past year...love ya! Amanda, you crazy doctor's wife...go get some Chinese take-out, will ya? And give that adorable baby a hug! Tina, I am so glad you lost your filter...you crack me up, girl! Stephanie and "MissWeezer"...you guys aren't around as much, but I love it when you are...you both rock, too!
Okay, it's fabulous to have a group of girlfriends that a mountain witch can turn to, especially when one's offspring are acting like buttmunches, as mine have been the last several days. Oh yes, those ADORABLE offspring of the darling Czech Pecker. That's right...they're his kids right now. I think I'll let him have them for a while, and I'll float around the house in ignorant bliss. Kids? What kids? Do I have kids? No way!
Speaking of the little Czech monsters, I looked at the calendar today, and it hit me...it's the end of the school year already! Holy flying crapmonkeys! Where has the time gone? J.P.'s school sent a notice out that they are going to start a school band next school year for grades 3rd and up. Naturally, he is all over that. Not only does he want to continue playing drums for the Fife and Drum Corps, playing his electric guitar that he got for Christmas, now he wants to play the trumpet. Oh dear patron saint of mothers who suffer from headaches due to children who play music turned up to 11, please pray for me. I do believe that I will be keeping the pharmaceutical industry in business, most notably the company that produces Relpax, my migraine meds.
On that note, there is a cheesecake in the kitchen calling my name. I have been trying to resist it because I know that cheesecake, like most things that taste good, likes to stick to my butt, and yet, its siren call is luring me ever nearer to the refrigerator...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)