Yep. That's how the female spawn puts it. It was finally decided that there was no reason to keep my female internal organs, seeing as how they were rather defective, and hey! They had already done their job, right? Tomorrow will mark one week since I went under the knife, so I am spending Christmas with the family waiting on me hand and foot. Overall, that's really not a bad way to spend the holidays, when you really think about it. Feet up, stack of good books, and people doing what I say...it's good to be the queen!
And now for something completely different. Rebekah is officially half-way through middle school now. Yes, this concept does freak me out a bit. What freaks me out even more is the knowledge that she will be eligible for her driver's permit in 2 1/2 years. That should freak out anyone on the road.
J.P. is in need of a haircut. He is currently going for the Cousin Itt look, and I'm not sure it's a complimentary look.
And the Czech Pecker is...well, the Czech Pecker. I think he needs to drink some vodka. He might feel better! Poor guy needs to be an Anglo-Cherokee like I am, but since I can't genetically re-do him...
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Witch is Feeling a Little Less...Witchy
Okay, true to my sad blog form here, I'm blogging again after a hiatus of a few years or months or something. You see, people seem to think that I should be doing other things when I come home in the evenings, like acting as their chauffeur/maid/lifetime indentured servant/slave. Let me tell you, it doesn't leave a heck of a lot of time for me to write/paint/breathe.
The upside is that the dogs and cats still love me, whether I collapse on my sofa like a curly-haired slug at the end of the day with glass of Tempranillo in one hand and Douglas Adams in the other -- I'm telling you, the older I get, the more convinced I am that Deep Thought was really onto something with the whole Answer to the Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything equals 42 thing -- or whether I decide to recite Chaucer in Middle English -- just for the whole amusement of it, mind you -- while standing on top of one of the dog houses with the Huskies. Yes, the verdict IS still out whether I am suffering from brain damage due to falling off the bed when I was a baby or whether it's simply the eccentricities of inbreeding that lead to my weirdness.
The upside is that the dogs and cats still love me, whether I collapse on my sofa like a curly-haired slug at the end of the day with glass of Tempranillo in one hand and Douglas Adams in the other -- I'm telling you, the older I get, the more convinced I am that Deep Thought was really onto something with the whole Answer to the Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything equals 42 thing -- or whether I decide to recite Chaucer in Middle English -- just for the whole amusement of it, mind you -- while standing on top of one of the dog houses with the Huskies. Yes, the verdict IS still out whether I am suffering from brain damage due to falling off the bed when I was a baby or whether it's simply the eccentricities of inbreeding that lead to my weirdness.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
And You Guys Thought the Witch Had Disappeared!
I'm baaaaaaccccckkkkkk!
A bout with iron-deficiency anemia has left this particular mountain witch feeling drained and looking like a reject from Interview with a Vampire. Let me tell you, the pale skin I inherited from my English ancestors has ever been the bane of my existence to begin with--why, oh why, couldn't I have been born with the pretty bronze color of my Cherokee heritage?--but add the sallow complexion that comes with anemia...IT AIN'T PRETTY! However, iron supplements have helped, even though they taste like I'm gnawing on nails.
And now, I want to give a big SHOUT OUT to my fellow Heffas! Annette, stop working so hard and go get a mani/pedi! Sunny, love ya, woman, and if the kids get to you, I have your back! Kathi, the reptile woman, I think you ought to write a book, a soap opera of Freya and Oden's love story! Amy, one of the strongest women I know, you and your husband and all military families are in my thoughts and prayers every day. Soli, I hope you get that teaching job on the rez...you are the perfect one for it! Amber, I love what you do for the kids in your district. You rock! Megan, you are my favorite tech geek of all time...I know exactly whom to ask if I ever need computer help. Monica, you are THE Americorps chick of the year! Jess, Photographer of The Weave, Protectress of Children, you rock, too! Cassie, I'm so glad you are a Heffa...you've come a long way the past year...love ya! Amanda, you crazy doctor's wife...go get some Chinese take-out, will ya? And give that adorable baby a hug! Tina, I am so glad you lost your filter...you crack me up, girl! Stephanie and "MissWeezer"...you guys aren't around as much, but I love it when you are...you both rock, too!
Okay, it's fabulous to have a group of girlfriends that a mountain witch can turn to, especially when one's offspring are acting like buttmunches, as mine have been the last several days. Oh yes, those ADORABLE offspring of the darling Czech Pecker. That's right...they're his kids right now. I think I'll let him have them for a while, and I'll float around the house in ignorant bliss. Kids? What kids? Do I have kids? No way!
Speaking of the little Czech monsters, I looked at the calendar today, and it hit me...it's the end of the school year already! Holy flying crapmonkeys! Where has the time gone? J.P.'s school sent a notice out that they are going to start a school band next school year for grades 3rd and up. Naturally, he is all over that. Not only does he want to continue playing drums for the Fife and Drum Corps, playing his electric guitar that he got for Christmas, now he wants to play the trumpet. Oh dear patron saint of mothers who suffer from headaches due to children who play music turned up to 11, please pray for me. I do believe that I will be keeping the pharmaceutical industry in business, most notably the company that produces Relpax, my migraine meds.
On that note, there is a cheesecake in the kitchen calling my name. I have been trying to resist it because I know that cheesecake, like most things that taste good, likes to stick to my butt, and yet, its siren call is luring me ever nearer to the refrigerator...
A bout with iron-deficiency anemia has left this particular mountain witch feeling drained and looking like a reject from Interview with a Vampire. Let me tell you, the pale skin I inherited from my English ancestors has ever been the bane of my existence to begin with--why, oh why, couldn't I have been born with the pretty bronze color of my Cherokee heritage?--but add the sallow complexion that comes with anemia...IT AIN'T PRETTY! However, iron supplements have helped, even though they taste like I'm gnawing on nails.
And now, I want to give a big SHOUT OUT to my fellow Heffas! Annette, stop working so hard and go get a mani/pedi! Sunny, love ya, woman, and if the kids get to you, I have your back! Kathi, the reptile woman, I think you ought to write a book, a soap opera of Freya and Oden's love story! Amy, one of the strongest women I know, you and your husband and all military families are in my thoughts and prayers every day. Soli, I hope you get that teaching job on the rez...you are the perfect one for it! Amber, I love what you do for the kids in your district. You rock! Megan, you are my favorite tech geek of all time...I know exactly whom to ask if I ever need computer help. Monica, you are THE Americorps chick of the year! Jess, Photographer of The Weave, Protectress of Children, you rock, too! Cassie, I'm so glad you are a Heffa...you've come a long way the past year...love ya! Amanda, you crazy doctor's wife...go get some Chinese take-out, will ya? And give that adorable baby a hug! Tina, I am so glad you lost your filter...you crack me up, girl! Stephanie and "MissWeezer"...you guys aren't around as much, but I love it when you are...you both rock, too!
Okay, it's fabulous to have a group of girlfriends that a mountain witch can turn to, especially when one's offspring are acting like buttmunches, as mine have been the last several days. Oh yes, those ADORABLE offspring of the darling Czech Pecker. That's right...they're his kids right now. I think I'll let him have them for a while, and I'll float around the house in ignorant bliss. Kids? What kids? Do I have kids? No way!
Speaking of the little Czech monsters, I looked at the calendar today, and it hit me...it's the end of the school year already! Holy flying crapmonkeys! Where has the time gone? J.P.'s school sent a notice out that they are going to start a school band next school year for grades 3rd and up. Naturally, he is all over that. Not only does he want to continue playing drums for the Fife and Drum Corps, playing his electric guitar that he got for Christmas, now he wants to play the trumpet. Oh dear patron saint of mothers who suffer from headaches due to children who play music turned up to 11, please pray for me. I do believe that I will be keeping the pharmaceutical industry in business, most notably the company that produces Relpax, my migraine meds.
On that note, there is a cheesecake in the kitchen calling my name. I have been trying to resist it because I know that cheesecake, like most things that taste good, likes to stick to my butt, and yet, its siren call is luring me ever nearer to the refrigerator...
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Is There Anything Worse Than Love Songs?
Yes. Yes, there is. Try COUNTRY LOVE SONGS. I am shuddering in fear and loathing even as I type those dreaded words, but yes, my dear friends, such a CD collection actually exists. I know. I keep looking out for the four horses of the Apocalypse ever since I saw it in Target a few days ago, where I was looking for some little flying helicopter thingies in the toy section with the darling Czech Pecker and my male spawn of Satan. I happened to stroll past the music section and saw this frightening music collection sitting there, bold as you please, on an end rack. I nearly fainted dead away in horror, and let me tell you, I am generally not of a delicate constitution, but my heart nearly gave out.
After I got over my initial terror, I have to admit that I started to giggle and snort to myself, and I had to pick up a copy and show it to the darling Czech Pecker (by this time, I was chortling at the absolute hilarity of it).
One thing you have to understand about the darling Czech Pecker and me...we are most definitely NOT the romantic types. No way, no how. Syrupy love songs make both of us alternately barf and laugh at the ridiculously unrealistic lyrics. We both giggled our way through our wedding...if there were any tears in either of our eyes, it was due to laughter. And I may be a woman--yeah, I swear it, I checked--but I really think Chick Flicks and Chick Lit are inane. Give me a good comedy--NOT a romantic comedy, please--or a good Sci Fi film. Give me REAL literature, preferably British, although I sometimes love some good Southern Gothic a la Flannery O' Connor or William Faulkner.
Needless to say, "Stand By Your Man" kind of stuff just doesn't figure into our way of communicating.
I do regret showing the collection to the darling Czech Pecker right there, though. It would have been quite amusing to have bought it and wrapped it up for Valentine's Day for a gag gift!
After I got over my initial terror, I have to admit that I started to giggle and snort to myself, and I had to pick up a copy and show it to the darling Czech Pecker (by this time, I was chortling at the absolute hilarity of it).
One thing you have to understand about the darling Czech Pecker and me...we are most definitely NOT the romantic types. No way, no how. Syrupy love songs make both of us alternately barf and laugh at the ridiculously unrealistic lyrics. We both giggled our way through our wedding...if there were any tears in either of our eyes, it was due to laughter. And I may be a woman--yeah, I swear it, I checked--but I really think Chick Flicks and Chick Lit are inane. Give me a good comedy--NOT a romantic comedy, please--or a good Sci Fi film. Give me REAL literature, preferably British, although I sometimes love some good Southern Gothic a la Flannery O' Connor or William Faulkner.
Needless to say, "Stand By Your Man" kind of stuff just doesn't figure into our way of communicating.
I do regret showing the collection to the darling Czech Pecker right there, though. It would have been quite amusing to have bought it and wrapped it up for Valentine's Day for a gag gift!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Does Anybody Have a Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch?
I really need one, you see. Not to repel a Killer Rabbit with long, pointy teeth. Billy Bob, our resident rabbit, is quite a benign bunny, and as far as I'm aware, he hasn't killed anyone recently, including any Knights of the Round Table.
No, I need a Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch for my house. This place is hopeless. I clean one thing. Three things get messed up. I fold one load of laundry. The dogs muddy up an entire room. I mop that room. The kids decide to "rearrange" a few things. I try to set things back in order. The kitchen becomes messed up. I clean the kitchen. The kitty litter box needs to be cleaned. I clean the litter box. The dogs start howling for attention. Let's not EVEN start discussing the state of our "landscaping" due to those crazy half-wolves! I'll forgive them, though. It's the humans of the Funny Farm who need a Come to Jesus talk!
I've given a deadline. Certain things will be cleaned up, certain items will be put away in places where we won't risk life and limb every time we walk through the living room and kitchen by tripping over them, or they will disappear from this house, never to be heard from again.
The Appalachian Witch has spoken.
No, I need a Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch for my house. This place is hopeless. I clean one thing. Three things get messed up. I fold one load of laundry. The dogs muddy up an entire room. I mop that room. The kids decide to "rearrange" a few things. I try to set things back in order. The kitchen becomes messed up. I clean the kitchen. The kitty litter box needs to be cleaned. I clean the litter box. The dogs start howling for attention. Let's not EVEN start discussing the state of our "landscaping" due to those crazy half-wolves! I'll forgive them, though. It's the humans of the Funny Farm who need a Come to Jesus talk!
I've given a deadline. Certain things will be cleaned up, certain items will be put away in places where we won't risk life and limb every time we walk through the living room and kitchen by tripping over them, or they will disappear from this house, never to be heard from again.
The Appalachian Witch has spoken.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The Witch Is On Her Way to Recovery
I saw the chiropractor yesterday. While I can tell a difference--I'm not in excruciating pain today like I was earlier this week--these things take a little time, especially when one reaches a certain age. I return tomorrow to the chiropractor. Hopefully, I will be pain-free, or nearly so, in the near future. It will certainly make for a happier Appalachian Witch. I believe the Czech Pecker is referring to me as something that rhymes with witch right now. Note that I do not call him "the darling Czech Pecker" this evening. That's because I have one nerve left, and he's getting on it.
For this evening, I believe I will continue my evening routine of heating pads and better living through chemistry, i.e. muscle relaxers. It's worked so far each night this week!
For this evening, I believe I will continue my evening routine of heating pads and better living through chemistry, i.e. muscle relaxers. It's worked so far each night this week!
Monday, January 5, 2009
The Witch Needs a Chiropractor!
For at least two months, I've had a pinched nerve or something along the upper part of my spine, and it's been irritating the bejeezus out of me. Of course, I have been doing the natural thing for me...I've ignored it, believing that it will work itself out. However, after several sleepless nights, and a periodic numbness running up and down my left arm, it has come to my attention that I can no longer ignore it. Yeah, sometimes I have to be slapped upside the head with a clue-by-four. Sooooooo, I guess I will be off to see Mister Chiropractor soon! Yippeee!
The sleepless nights...yuck...that's the worst. Now, I am hardly a beauty when I am in top form, but you throw in lack of sleep, complete with the dark circles under the eyes, and I'm ready to scare the gargoyles of Notre Dame Cathedral. Seriously. Today, I think I even made the Bride of Frankenstein look like Miss America in comparison. I may even have caused a crack or two in the mirrors I glanced in as I crept through the day.
And a tired Appalachian Witch is a grouchy, irritable Appalachian Witch. My evil eye has been getting a workout, and I have given my Turkish evil eye amulet to the darling Czech Pecker to protect him from my curses. So far, he is safe, but I can't say the same thing for the Shih Tzu, but hey...does the canine moron REALLY have to sit practically on top of me while he licks his butt?!
I'm looking on the bright side, though. I'm keeping the pharmaceutical industry afloat with the ibuprofen I've been taking, and that's a positive thought, right?
The sleepless nights...yuck...that's the worst. Now, I am hardly a beauty when I am in top form, but you throw in lack of sleep, complete with the dark circles under the eyes, and I'm ready to scare the gargoyles of Notre Dame Cathedral. Seriously. Today, I think I even made the Bride of Frankenstein look like Miss America in comparison. I may even have caused a crack or two in the mirrors I glanced in as I crept through the day.
And a tired Appalachian Witch is a grouchy, irritable Appalachian Witch. My evil eye has been getting a workout, and I have given my Turkish evil eye amulet to the darling Czech Pecker to protect him from my curses. So far, he is safe, but I can't say the same thing for the Shih Tzu, but hey...does the canine moron REALLY have to sit practically on top of me while he licks his butt?!
I'm looking on the bright side, though. I'm keeping the pharmaceutical industry afloat with the ibuprofen I've been taking, and that's a positive thought, right?
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Happy New Year!
Yes, the Witch is still lurking around these parts. She hasn't quite melted...I feel happy!
The truth is, I was given the fantastic opportunity to return to the workforce in late October, and I am now actually making myself useful at Catholic Charities. It has taken some time to adapt to a work schedule while still chasing after my Spawns of Satan, i.e. the human children, and the Howling Huskies, Neurotic Shih Tzus, Feline Fuzzies, and now, Billy Bob and Roxie. Billy Bob and Roxie are, respectively, a bunny and a guinea pig. And some people wonder exactly WHY I call this place the Funny Farm.
My abridged version of the holidays...we survived! And there was much rejoicing. YAY! And now, the kids return to school tomorrow, and they are moaning piteously about it. Do I feel sorry for them? Not one bit. My shriveled little black heart is snickering. So much for me being a loving, nurturing mother who sympathizes with her children's woes and travails. I didn't receive the Mother of the Year Award for 2008, and so far, 2009 is not looking all that auspicious, either!
Speaking of parenthood, I will return with The Witch's Parenting Tips soon!
The truth is, I was given the fantastic opportunity to return to the workforce in late October, and I am now actually making myself useful at Catholic Charities. It has taken some time to adapt to a work schedule while still chasing after my Spawns of Satan, i.e. the human children, and the Howling Huskies, Neurotic Shih Tzus, Feline Fuzzies, and now, Billy Bob and Roxie. Billy Bob and Roxie are, respectively, a bunny and a guinea pig. And some people wonder exactly WHY I call this place the Funny Farm.
My abridged version of the holidays...we survived! And there was much rejoicing. YAY! And now, the kids return to school tomorrow, and they are moaning piteously about it. Do I feel sorry for them? Not one bit. My shriveled little black heart is snickering. So much for me being a loving, nurturing mother who sympathizes with her children's woes and travails. I didn't receive the Mother of the Year Award for 2008, and so far, 2009 is not looking all that auspicious, either!
Speaking of parenthood, I will return with The Witch's Parenting Tips soon!
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